(written while my mac was being “saved!”)
Mon, 11/2/09, 12:18pm
Jada Pinkett says about her [in my opinion, wildly successful] relationship, “Be friends first…Will knows more about me than my girlfriends. Passion and fire come and go, but friendship lasts forever.”
How wise and how true, Ms. Pinkett! I’ve always fantasized about finding the Will to my inner Jada and coincidentally, have subscribed to this school of thought as well (see my entry: “Save the Sex.”) It’s soooo true, so true…and so unfortunate that the lot of us arrive at this pearl only so late in our love lives…and usually as a result of learning the hard way!
One of my friends, who has recently married her long-time love, says of her new hubby, [insert Rosie Perez accent] “Hoooneeey! He and I are just friends that “^&*$%!” Marry your best friend!”
Again. Advice that I know is tried and true.
During our less mature and usually more debaucherous years ,a “friend with benefits” was something shallow, possibly shameful, usually a bit awkward, and basically stemmed from a situation without enough substance to even deserve a definition! We would insert these people into our lives just enough to satisfy our needs [the benefit], but keep them far removed enough to discourage anything romantic [the friend.]
The word “friend” is also so sadly perverted in this context. I really don’t like it. It should have been coined “doormat with benefits” because usually, this person wasn’t a friend at all, meaning someone we would spend hours on the phone with, share secrets with, and invite out with our actual friends!” No, the suffix of this “friend” freed those involved of any true friend-like obligations and in my opinion, actually raped this sacred relationship of its redeeming benefits! But moving on. I’ll leave this with clever marketing kudos to whoever did coin it for taking the bite out of this dirty deed. =P
So, yes, these FWBs usually just complicated our lives because the relationship, at its core, contradicted all that is natural and good about human relationships. Unrestrained love and honesty and affection were tainted with games and insecurities and a free ticket to hurt another human being. Share your bed, but not your heart. Why did we think this was so genius?!
Well, let’s fast-forward to today and sanctify this phrase. Let us lift it up, dust it off, and breathe a shiny new life into it! Let us redefine a “friend with benefits” as someone whom we love as a friend with whom we share the rare benefit of romance. How do you practically apply this idea? Well, before diving into the benefits of a romantic relationship (the hand-holding, the heavy petting, the French kissing, etc), enjoy the core friendship (the hanging out, the laughing, the sharing, etc). Be sure that a friendship truly exists before complicating things with the benefits. Just as you cannot take advantage of the benefits of anything else in life without having to put in the work first, so should it be with relationships.
Imagine hastily finding a job, any job, just so you can get the benefit of health insurance. You couldn’t care less about whether you enjoy the job or not…dreams, schmeams! You just want to skip ahead to your free dental plan. So sure, you’ll get your wisdom teeth pulled for free, but in the end, you’re in an un gratifying job..every day. Wouldn’t it have been so much better to patiently search for a career in your true passion and then allow the benefits to reward you as icing on a cake?
Now, I know what you’re thinking. And it’s true. If you really want to get technical, it’s never recommended to be without health insurance, but there are ways to tide yourself over until you create that perfect scenario. There is government health care and self-pleasuring. (wink!)
And if you really want to strive for the gold, think about the probationary period of three months that most jobs impose before allowing you to take advantage of their benefits. Those three months are a time for you and your job to establish that you truly get along, are committed to each other, and are ready to be in it for the long haul…then you get the health and dental and 401K package! There’s a reason for that, and we can directly take this cue when dealing with our relationships.
So, let us go forth and take a true friend from our lives…and beautify that relationship…with the benefit…of romance. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to be that “friend with benefits” now! It is only in this place that we will have the remotest chance of finding our life partner.
Mission: “Redefine a ‘Friend with Benefits’”
Check!
